Bulletins

I spent several years "doing" church bulletins. Here is a listing of some famous (or infamous) mistakes that are often circulated. I've added my thoughts after each one.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. Cost of the meals: $0. Knowing they were offered anyway: priceless.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' I think he went down over there!
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Wasn't that done 2,000 years ago?
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Ouch.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. But was it an unforeseen conflict?
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Right back at you!
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. One of the church's strengths, no doubt.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Do I really need to say anything here?
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Is this what they mean by surrogate parents?
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Great, now we'll need even more choir robes.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' Hallelujah!
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Too bad. They were a nice couple.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. Enough with the choir already!
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. I told you they needed choir robes!
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Is there much call for this these days?
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Ew!
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. As opposed to ungracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. "Upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea..."
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. I've seen the ladies of the church. I'll pass on that.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ready and willing.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Oh, you meant Bible Study...
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. I didn't know there were electric ones...
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Kick a man when he's down.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Hamlet doesn't end very well, either.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Does no one proofread for content... or context?
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'. There's no need to be rude about it.

My most famous mistake in a bulletin was instead of "Morning Message - Pastor" putting "Morning Massage - Pastor." He wanted to know if he was giving or receiving.

I got a laugh out of these... I hope you do, too.